Avaragado’s 2016 predictions

Hello again. Pull up a pixel. Dismantle that podcast. Relax your weary mince pie repository. Pay heed, oh gentle reader, for Avaragado has rattled his brain to wiggle out the earwax of foretelling and is pleased to interpret the oily runes ambiguously below.

Those of you familiar with this annual nonsense will spot a new category. I’ve retired Celebrity Deathwatch as the predictions started to come true and, quite frankly, The Medusa Touch still gives me the shivers (WHIP PAN to polystyrene rubble falling onto gurning worshippers). In its place, You’re Celebrity Fired.

Here they all are. Perhaps the rain will have stopped by this time next year. Perhaps.

News

1. In the thrilling Euro referendum that I hope to god happens in 2016 so we don’t have to suffer another whole year of it, the tedious British public votes 53% to 47% (±1%) to remain in the EU.
2. Bacon-worrier David Cameron resigns as prime minister.
3. Hillary Clinton wins the US presidential election.
4. 2016 is the warmest year globally on record.
5. The Bank of England leaves interest rates at 0.5% all year.
6. The price of oil doesn’t go above $50 a barrel all year.

Sport

1. In the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Team GB win 20±2 gold medals in total.
2. In the Euro 2016 football championships, England finish in the top 4.
3. Oxford win the men’s University Boat Race.
4. HRH Prince Ali Al Hussein is elected the next president of FIFA.
5. Wales win the Rugby Union Six Nations.
6. Europe retain the Ryder Cup.

Science and technology

1. The iPhone 7 (pedants: or whatever Apple calls the next major iPhone revision) has no 3.5mm headphone jack.
2. Apple releases a Mac with an A-branded (ARM, not Intel) processor.
3. Google buys Signal.
4. A major security breach at the NHS leaks hundreds of thousands of patient details.
5. Physicists confirm the first evidence for gravitational waves.
6. An out-of-control drone causes a major incident (eg a collision with an aircraft).

Entertainment

1. To save money, the BBC decides to close BBC Four.
2. Peter Capaldi announces he is to leave Doctor Who.
3. Oscar for Best Picture: The Revenant.
4. Oscar for Best Director: Ridley Scott, The Martian.
5. Oscar for Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl.
6. Oscar for Best Actress: Brie Larson, Room.

You’re celebrity fired

1. Piers Morgan leaves Good Morning Britain.
2. Marissa Meyer leaves Yahoo.
3. Louis van Gaal leaves Manchester United.
4. Chris Evans (not that one) leaves the role of Editor of the Daily Telegraph.
5. Philip Hammond leaves the role of Foreign Secretary.
6. Sir Lord Alan Sugar leaves The Apprentice.

And that, my friends, is that. I wonder if I’ll post anything else on this blog before next year’s results?